Rape Note
by class.of.thirteen
Summary: "The person whose name is written in this notebook shall be raped." Only for those who can appreciate the pure beauty of crude humor at its rawest.
1. Chapter 1

It was just another day at school, as average schoolboy Light Yagami walked out of his classroom, heading home. As he crossed the school field, he spotted a black notebook on the ground.

Light picked up the notebook. It's cover read "RAPE NOTE" in a calligraphic font. "What's this?" he thought to himself as he flipped open the cover. "The human whose name is written in this notebook will be raped," he read out loud. "Pffft, this must be some kind of stupid chain letter thing," Light said. "But still…" He looked around to see if anybody was watching him and stuffed the notebook into his pocket.

When he reached home, he decided to try it out. He flicked on the television and turned to the sports channel. There was currently a live broadcast of Chelsea against Liverpool. Light took out his favourite ballpoint pen and scrawled a name in the first page of the notebook. "Furnendo Tovvez," He muttered slowly as he wrote. When he was done, Light hugged his knees and rocked himself on the floor, biting his lip in excitement, giggling to himself all the while. A few seconds had passed when a terrifying shinigami appeared at the football field. It had large, red eyes and a cheeky grin etched on his face. He was tall and thin, clad in leather, with feathers on his shoulders. Liverpool's Suarez had just scored a beautiful goal, and Tovvez from Chelsea was giving Suarez the finger, swearing in frustration. Light squinted at his TV set. The figures on the giant field were very small, but he was definitely sure of a terrifying monster approaching Tovvez. The creepy-looking humanoid flipped Tovvez over and ripped his pants off in one swift motion. The monster then immediately inserted a long, black rod the size of 20 bananas attached to it's crotch into Tovvez's ass. The television went into static, then flashed "Technical difficulties. We'll be with you in a minute." Light's eyes went wide. The notebook actually worked! Imagine the power he could achieve with this notebook! He could threaten anyone into complying with his needs! He held it with two hands and raised the book into the air. He began laughing maniacally. "The power… Feels good," Light grinned.

A deafening ringing noise suddenly disturbed the silence. Light looked at the alarm clock. "Six thirty," he said to himself. Time for his private math tuition at his teacher's house. He quickly stuffed the Rape Note under his jacket walked out of his house slowly. Light always dreaded math tuition! Every time he got a question wrong, his teacher would rape him. Today would be no different. After a few minutes, he reached his teacher's house. Light raised a shaky finger and pressed apprehensively on the doorbell. Not a second had passed when the door was pulled open by a deranged man with long hair and sunken eyes. "LAIIIIIIGHT!" Screeched the man. "WHAT TOOK YOU SOOOOO LONG?" The man wrapped a lanky arm around Light's shoulders and pulled him into his house. "Sorry, sensei. I was… uh… masturbating," Light lied, to which his teacher happily sang, "OH, GETTING YOURSELF READY FOR MEEEEEEEEE?" Light bit his lip and nodded shyly. He had to hold back tears when he thought of the pain that was to come. Out of the blue, he had an idea. He had the Rape Note! An evil grin spread itself on Light's face. "The first question, Light. Pay attention! What is pi to the 9000th digit?" The teacher asked. Light's head snapped up. He slowly said, "3… point… 1…. 5…" "WRONG!" Screamed the teacher. He promptly stood up and shredded Light's pants off. Light yelped, flipped open his Rape Note and quickly scribbled his teacher's name in the notebook.

His teacher had almost penetrated him when the lean monster he had seen earlier on the television crashed into the room. Glass shards sprayed everywhere, but the thing seemed to be unhurt. "Hello," The thing said in a deep, raspy voice. Light's eyes widened. "My name's Ryuk. I'm a reipugami," he explained calmly. Ryuk then went on to insert his oversized penis into his teacher's virgin ass. Now that Light was watching the action up close, he could actually witness the colossal size of Ryuk's prick. It was almost the size of five arms! Light cringed in disgust as he imagined himself being raped by that monstrosity of a dick. Meanwhile, his teacher was being brutally rammed by Ryuk repeatedly. Light dry retched at the disturbing sight before him before quickly turning around so he would not have to watch. Finally, Ryuk was done. When Light looked back at the scene, he found his teacher dead on the floor, a steady stream of blood trickling out of his torn asshole, which looked like it fit a beach ball. However, Ryuk seemed oblivious to the current situation. In fact, he went on, saying, "There's a few things I have to tell you, Light Yagami. With this notebook, you possess great power. That notebook used to be mine before I dropped it somewhere in Japan. Now I have to follow you until you get raped by another human. Till then, I cannot return to my homeland. All reipugamis live in North Korea. There, we frequently have orgies with Kim Jong Il to pass the time. Periodically, we have to write somebody's name in our Rape Notes so as to ensure our survival. This is because the number of years that the person whose name was written had been a virgin will go to the reipugami. That means if I write Justin Bieber's name in my Rape Note, 3 years will go to my lifespan." Light nodded thoughtfully, and then asked, "Does that mean that my teacher's and Tovvez's virgin lifespan had just been added to mine?" Ryuk shook his head. "No. That only works for repigamis." Light nodded again, and smiled.

Life was going to get so much more interesting.


	2. Chapter 2

Light was walking home from his math teacher's house, Ryuk trailing not far behind. Before reaching his house, he had to pass by a dark alley. Inside, an ugly man and his gang were restraining a young lady with voluptuous breasts, obviously about to violate the poor woman sexually. One of his minions already had his hands unbuckling her belt. Light quickly stepped into the shadows. He had to save this woman! If only he could get that ugly man's name…

"Shibuimaru Takuo! Today we've got such a hottie, huh?" one of the men said.

"Stop, Shibuimaru Takuo," the woman suddenly said, in between her screams.

"Yes, my name is SHIBUIMARU TAKUO!" said Shibuimaru Takuo. He took out his passport, which he just happened to be carrying around, and flashed it around to no one in particular. "That's right, S-H-I-B-U-I-M-A-R-U T-A-K-U-O!" He shouted. Light's face lit up. "I think it's time to give this man a taste of his own medicine, Ryuk," Light whispered as he scrawled "Shibuimaru Takuo" into his Rape Note. Ryuk immediately flew over to the man, hugging him from behind. Shibuimaru, disorientated, struggled in the grasp of a hideous monster. When he looked up at Ryuk's face, he screamed. "Whats wrong, leader?" Asked the others. They couldn't see Ryuk, as Ryuk could control whether he was visible or not to humans. Ryuk guffawed at the amusement the little humans were providing him with. He quickly pulled down Shibuimaru's trousers and got on with the act. The others just stood there, dumbfounded, as they watched their gang leader getting raped by air. Meanwhile, the sexy woman had ran away, her boobs bouncing. Light had to cover his mouth to stifle his chuckles. This was so fun! When Ryuk was done, Shubuimaru had died from the sheer exhaustion of having to withstand rape by a reipugami. His friends were long gone, looking at each other in worry before sprinting away.

Satisfied with his devious activities of the evening, Light continued on his path home. "You know what, Ryuk? I think I should start punishing criminals for their crimes. Especially rapists," he thought out loud. Ryuk nodded in agreement. "Humans are so interesting," thought Ryuk.

Every day after school, Light would frequently write names of criminals into his Rape Note. His faithful servant, Ryuk, would promptly teleport to each designated area to rape his newest victims while invisible to all except Light. Soon, Light could rape more than a 9000 criminals to death each day. He was surprised there enough criminals in the world to kill. One day after school, as Light was surfing the net to find criminals to kill, he chanced upon a website worshipping the mysterious raper of all the criminals and rapists. He read one of the comments on the page.

"I used to be sad because my father would rape me all the time. But thanks to Reipa, my parents are dead! I'm so happy now. I can finally live life to the fullest. ~Nate River"

"They're calling me Reipa now? I'm so excited!" Light squealed like a little girl. "Well, better check the news for more criminals…" he flicked on the television in his room. To his surprise, instead of the daily news broadcast, there was a man named Lind. L. Taylor sitting in the news broadcaster's place. Taylor opened his mouth and started to speak. "I am L. I currently control all of the world's police forces. It has recently come to my attention that someone nicknamed Reipa has been raping many criminals to death. Although I can imagine what you must be thinking to do something like this, but what you are doing is… SEXY. I much catch you soon to experience your rape myself." Light could then hear a muffled voice coming from the TV, screaming, "That wasn't in the fucking script!" The television screen suddenly clouded with static. Light giggled to himself. "Sexy, you say? I AM JUSTICE!" He etched Taylor's name into his Rape Note. "Ryuk, do your job," Light commanded. The reipugami nodded once and teleported away. When the broadcast of Lind. L. Taylor's speech went back on air, Ryuk was already halfway thrusting his cock into Taylor's tight hole, with Taylor half naked. The muffled voice yelled "Shit," before the broadcast disappeared into static again. After a few moments, the broadcast was back on again, but it was too dark to see anything. As the camera zoomed out, it was revealed that the darkness was actually the depths of Taylor's asshole, now stretched to the size a dinner plate. As the cameraman realized that, another swear was heard before the screen delivered nothing but static once again. Light laughed evilly to himself. "Too easy, L. If you'd been just a little more clever, I could've had a little fun," Light mumbled. Not before long, the television displayed a calligraphic L with a white back ground. Light froze. "What's this?" He asked himself. A distorted voice started speaking. "So it's TRUE! Oh, my god. You like, totally, raped, Lind without even like, showing yourself. Get away, Mello! It's not your turn! What are you talking about? You got to… STOP PLAYING WITH THE SYNTHESISER, KIDS! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? *loud footsteps and a moment's pause* I am L. Lind. L. Taylor was actually my one of the closest things I had for a friend. Anyway, I see that you can rape without even being at the scene. This is amazing. Try raping me! Go on, rape me! RAPE ME! RAPE ME! What's wrong? Can't rape me? Looks like there are limits to who you can rape, after all. ! Your first victim was Tovvez, who was not a criminal. From this, I deduced, with much difficulty, that that was just an experiment. There's going to be an epic showdown, you and me, Reipa. I am justice!"


	3. Chapter 3

"… And from this, I deduce that Reipa is a person who is related to one of the members of the police force, loves potato chips and adores hardcore hentai," Matsuda announced. The authorities of the police force murmured within themselves. A moment of silence followed. "Brilliant, Matsuda!" L suddenly yelled through the voice distorter. Everyone started cheering and clapping. Matsuda smiled, adjusted his tie and sat back down onto his seat. At this point, streamers and confetti flew around the room in celebration. Soichiro Yagami stood up. and cheered, "Chant with me, everybody! We are justice! We are justice! We are justice! Hooray!"

Back at the Yagami household, Light was teaching his mentally disabled sister, Sayu, how to do her geography. "And look here, Sayu! Sayu! Pay attention! As I was saying, Russia is the smallest continent in the world. It is very hot there, with a minimum snowfall every year of 10 metres. Flowers don't grow there because there is too much water. The sun there only shines for 10 minutes each day, as Russia lies on the equator," Light said as Sayu nodded slowly. She stared at her textbook for a while before staring out of the window again. "Sayu! Were you even listening to me?" Light cried.

*DING DONG!*

"Dada! Dada!" Sayu screamed, running out of the room. Light facepalmed so hard he left a slight bruise on his forehead. Ryuk chuckled. "I didn't know the topography of the human world was so confusing. Anyway, let's go get some apples. We need to talk," Ryuk said. Light gave his reipugami a weird look before grabbing his coat and heading out of the house. It was dark outside and quite cold. Light stuck to the shadows so no one would see him talking to an imaginary person. "What is it you wanted to tell me, Ryuk?" Light asked. "I've been meaning to tell you this earlier, but i forgot. It's time to tell you about the eyes. The difference between a reipugami and an owner of the death note is that the reipugami can see the number of reipugami years a human has to be a virgin and their name above their head. If the human is already not a virgin, there will be no date visible. If you ever feel the need to be able to learn of someone's name just by looking at their face, feel free to ask me. The eyes will only cost you half of your rape virgin lifespan," Ryuk replied. Light narrowed his eyes at his reipugami and asked, "Why are you telling me all this now?" Ryuk laughed again. "Well, you might already know this, but Light, someone is following you," Ryuk whispered even though he knew the only person who could hear him was the young student in front of him. Light froze for a second, then continued walking. He peered behind him as covertly as he could. Sure enough, there was a man hiding behind a lamppost. It was counterproductive, as he was quite fat. Light continued walking and snapped his head forwards quickly. When he slowly turned his head backwards again, he spotted the man jumping into a rubbish bin. "Ryuk, Ryuk, Ryuk. How could you possibly expect me to actually accept that absurd request? I want to create a world which is free of rapists. I'm not even a virgin. Besides, I don't even mind having sex with a hot, stupid lolita chick (who's name starts with an M)!" Light said. Ryuk laughed. "When a human picks up the Rape Note, their virgin lifespan gets renewed and protected. Only their reipugami can break that protection and rape them when the time comes. That means under no circumstance are you going to have sex willingly, or with a human from now on. That's the price one has to pay for the Rape Note," Ryuk explained. Light shivered. "I guess I'll have to find another way to defeat my stalker. I guess it's time to start experimenting with criminals," Light grinned.


	4. Chapter 4

Jack Jones 30/2/2001

Chokes on own dick during auto-fellatio. Raped to death by himself.

Dick Tiny 31/2/2001

Survives by eating his own intestines for a month before giving in to blood loss, getting raped to death through the bronchiole.

Blue Balls 32/2/2001

Travels to mars and back 4 times by foot naked. Raped on the sun.

Harry Willy 33/2/2001

Accidentally rips his balls off while falling in the shower. Gets raped through his bleeding ballsack.

Baka Smarts 34/2/2001

Rapes L.

Prada Poor 35/2/2001

Falls onto a lava lamp, effectively impaling and raping herself to death.

Avrogado Mole 36/2/2001

Recites pi to the 9999999999999999999th decimal place before being raped by a protractor.

Jagged Tit 37/2/2001

Gives L HIV.

Nuclear Atom-split 38/2/2001

Writes "L, did you know/ gods of death/ love to rape people?" On three of his cellroom walls.

Light wrote the last name with a little apprehension. After all, it was giving L a huge clue… When he was done, he closed his Rape Note and went to sleep early, because tomorrow was going to be a big day.

"Light? You want me to go on a date with you?" Bakada replied. "Yes, oh sweet Baka! Shall I compare thee to a Summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more-" Light started, but Bakada had slammed the phone down. It was 3:00 am in the morning, after all. Light sighed. He was just so excited! Ryuk guffawed. "That's the ninth girl you've tried, Light. Looks like you're not very popular with the ladies," He teased. Light groaned. Looks like he had to try his last resort.

"Gami! Gami! Gami! I love you!" Migami cooed, basking in Light's glory. Light just nodded and ignored the irritating junior who worshipped him in every way. "It doesn't matter," He said to himself. "It's a date no matter how you look at it." Light turned to look at Migami, whose mouth was beginning to fill with rabid froth from excitement. He quickly avoided his gaze in disgust. "I'm so excited! I haven't gone to a brothel since middle school," Migami squealed. Light ignored him again, turning his head to make sure his shadow was following him as they boarded the bus to the brothel. His heart was beating very fast. From now onwards, there was no going back, even if the plan failed! Out of the blue, Migami pressed his ear onto Light's chest. "Gami! Gami! Gami! I can hear your heart beating so fast! A… are you excited to be with m… me?" He stammered. Light, once again, ignored his date. They sat down near the back. His stalker sat right behind him. A few seconds passed a suspicious-looking hobo boarded the bus. "Yes," Light mumbled under his breath. His plan was working perfectly. The man brandished a gun, earning a few screams and gasps from the bus's passengers. "Everyone do as I say and no one will be hurt! Passengers, just stay in your seats and keep quiet. As for you, bus driver, call the brothel now and ask one of the prostitutes to deliver yesterday's revenue to me when we get there. Now, drive! Hurry!" The man demanded. Light turned his head to the left to check on Migami. The boy was so scared, he had an erection. Light's eyes widened in disgust. Migami wasn't doing anything to hide his embarrassment. In fact, he was starting to rub his crotch on Light's knee. Light quickly moved his leg away before they could make any contact. Anyway, it was time to continue acting out his plan. "Don't be worried, Migami. When the time comes, I will tackle him myself," He whispered loudly into Migami's ear, almost deafening him. Migami's face turned from an expression of fear to pure joy. He seemed to be frozen in time, stunned by Light's words. His stalker behind them suddenly stuffed his FBI identity card under Light's nose, whispering, "It's too dangerous. I'm a trained FBI agent. I'll do it." Ray Penis… Light read silently. His mission was going to be a success!

Suddenly, Migami broke out of his spell and started yelling. "GAMI! GAMI! YOU TALKED TO ME! YOU CARE ABOUT ME! I LOVE YOU TOO, GAMI! OH, GAMI, I WOULD-" Migami screamed at the top of his lungs, obviously getting the attention of the bus hijacker. The hobo pointed his gun at the three of them. "What are you trying to do there, in the back?" He shouted. Light just smiled. His work was almost done here. Now, all he had to do was give Ryuk the signal to reveal himself to the bus hijacker. He stood up and slid his pants off, exposing his dick and ass to the whole busload of passengers. He narrowed his eyes at Migami, afraid that those crazed lips might promptly fly to his dick. When Migami did not move, Light heaved a sigh of relief. He turned his head back to the hobo just in time to see him start to freak out. "What the fuck? A giant, hideous monster!" The bus hijacker squeaked, facing the back of the bus. Ryuk smiled and stepped forward, absorbing a few shots from the man's gun. When he reached his hand out towards the man, the poor soul got so discombobulated he dropped his gun and fell on it, successfully pushing it deep into his asshole and pulling the trigger at the same time. Back at the back of the bus, Light pulled his pants up and grinned, saying to himself, "Raped to death by gun. Just as I'd planned. The Rape Note never fails to please me."


	5. Chapter 5

"Honey, I'm home," Ray said to his wife, flinging his coat on the floor. His wife scampered quickly to pick it up and hang it. "Guess what happened to me today? I witnessed a bus jacking! Exciting, isn't it? Just like your FBI days! Too bad you weren't there," Ray laughed. Naomi lowered her head and tried to stifle a sob. Ray sat himself down on an armchair. "Bitch where my dinner at? Get in the fucking kitchen, cunt," he shouted. Upon hearing those words, Naomi couldn't help but let out a soft whimper. She quickly realized her mistake, looked up in fear, then covered her head and tried to crawl under the bed. "No! NO! NOO!" She screamed as Ray got up angrily and grabbed her shoulders. He bent her over the bed and pulled down her skirt. The unzipping of a fly was heard before screams of pain filled the room.

It was a busy evening at the subway. All people were walking quickly, apparently with some sort of very important agenda to be completed as soon as possible on their minds. No one noticed a lean young man in a white track suit suspiciously leaning against the wall next to the coffee shop. At about 1900, a fat american was passing through the metro. The young man approached the american from behind and whispered, "Don't turn around or I'll kill you. I'm Reipa," into his ear. An expression of fear and shock etched itself on Ray's face. That expression quickly changed into a look of doubt. Ray's eyebrows knotted together as he asked, "How do I know you're telling the truth?" Reipa smirked. "I figured you'd be asking that, so I've arranged a raping right here so you would believe me. You see that old dude right there? The really wrinkly one with nothing but a sparkly red thong on? Well, he's a serial child molester. Hard to believe, huh? In a few seconds, his crimes will be punished," Light whispered. To his surprise, Ray scoffed and said, "Oh yeah? Let's see that happen, liar!" A moment went by, and true enough, the man's thong was ripped to shreds as he fed his cock into a paper shredder while his whole body followed. Ray shuddered. "C'mon now, that could have been a coincidence! Saggycheeks over there could have accidentally done that himself!" Ray argued. Light groaned and said, "Alright. You see that woman over there in a trench coat? She used to rape men and then sell her babies to adoption agencies. She's going to be raped by that broomstick next to her." Ray's eyes widened. "T…That's…" He stuttered as the woman took a firm grip of the stick and inserted it into her nether regions with great force. She then slipped, pushing the stick all the way up her torso and out of her mouth. "What a disturbing sight to behold! Anyways, do you believe me now?" Light asked tiredly. Ray shook his head. "No. That… That was my mother! And I believe that was definitely something my mother would do. Yes, that wasn't surprising," Ray said. Light smacked his forehead. "Damn it, Penis! Who the hell do you want me to rape before you believe that I'm Reipa and do as I say?" Light groaned. Ray smiled. This stupid-looking fatass wasn't actually as idiotic as Light thought, because he said,"I want you to rape Light Yagami."

Light's breathing quickened but he steadied it as soon as he noticed. "Who's Light Yagami?" Light asked innocently. "Don't play a fool with me, Reipa. I know you can rape anyone you like, so I'll only believe you if you rape this boy named Light Yagami. I'm in the FBI, supposed to be stalking him a few days ago, so I'll definitely get a phone call or something if something like that happened to him," Ray grinned. He was feeling oh-so-smart right now as Reipa shook behind him. "What's wrong, Reipa?" Ray teased. There was an inaudible sound of pen scratching against paper seconds before Ray's phone rang. He picked it up. "What? Yes? Light Yagami has been raped to death? …Oh, okay, thank you," Ray mumbled. He snapped his phone shut and lowered his head in fear. Light smirked. He hadn't expected this part to be so hard, but he had accomplished it with some quick thinking. He had wrote a man's name into his Rape Note and instructed him to call Ray, posing as his colleague and notify him of Light Yagami's death. "Okay… What do you want me to do?" Ray asked. Light handed him an envelope containing a transceiver and a few documents. He then instructed him to board any train, which Ray duly obeyed. He then told Ray to write the names of all the FBI agents in Japan onto the documents in the envelope. Once he was done, he was to slap the person next to him and put the document in his bag. Ray did as he was told obediently. When he was done, he gave his surroundings an apprehensive look, then got out of the train. As his foot stepped out of the train, he heaved a huge sigh of relief. He was safe to go home and molest his fiance again! All of a sudden, his pants and boxers dropped to his ankles, his belt buckle clanging on the floor. A burning sensation engulfed his asshole as he fell to his knees. He knew what was happening, but he still turned around to look at his perpetrator. Ryuk was being invisible. Between the closing train doors, Light Yagami chuckled as he looked down at Penis's pained face.


	6. Chapter 6

It was just another day at the police department. Another fruitless day pursuing Reipa, that is. Suddenly, Matsuda stood up and made an announcement. "L is gay," Matsuda declared. The five other members of the police force working on the capture of Reipa, glad to be relieved of their boredom, cheered and clapped involuntarily before even comprehending the words that came out of Matsuda's mouth. Matsuda was a star at the police department. He was known to be extremely smart and could use his logical deductive skills to figure out what his fellow colleagues were up to the day before. Most of the time, it was "working overtime", but it was still impressive! L gasped. "I am not," he cried through the computer, in a distorted voice. "He's lying," Matsuda whispered to his colleagues in the room, and they all erupted in a fit of giggles. "Why you little… I'm going to go over there and make you sorry! I'm going to go over there and whack your inferior asses so hard, you'll be wishing Reipa came to save you," L screamed. Aizawa perked his head up. "So this means we'll be able to show us your face? I don't trust you, L. I don't trust gay people. Come on, let's meet! SHOW ME YOUR FACE!" He yelled, running towards the laptop transmitting L's speech. He cupped his hands around the monitor, strangling it. L made fake choking sounds as the other policemen rushed to restrain Aizawa and his overwhelming afro. "Oh, Aizawa, that hurts so much," L said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "Shut up, you dumbass," Aizawa roared. L became quiet. "What… did you say?" He whispered eerily. Everyone at the police department fell silent. After a slight pause, Aizawa replied the detective. "I said shut up, you dumbass." Aizawa grinned defiantly and crossed his arms. "Call me a dumbass one more time?" L chewed his words slowly, as if he were talking to a very small child. "L, you're a stupid, incompetent dumbass," Aizawa shouted. Suddenly, a crack appeared on the computer screen while the calligraphic 'L' on the screen flickered and disappeared. Before any thought could be registered in Aizawa's afro-covered head, a man wearing a loose white shirt and baggy jeans jumped through the computer screen, a million tiny pieces of glass flying around him. "What the fu-" Aizawa started, but was winded by the man. He had dived onto the floor, taking Aizawa down with him. His knuckles met Aizawa's body with great force repeatedly, bruising him and leaving the policeman very confused. The rest of the police force were too stunned to react. "Arrrgh! Who the HELL are you?" Aizawa managed to screech. "I am L!" The man bellowed. Out of the blue, he clutched his chest and doubled over in pain. "Watari… strawberry… cheesecake…" He wheezed. An old man entered the room, rushed to L and pushed a whole cheesecake down his throat. L gagged painfully, struggling to swallow all of the dessert at once. Bits of cheesecake were smeared all his face. When he was done, he lay panting on the floor next to an unconscious Aizawa. He nodded once to Watari and the old man vanished in a puff of smoke.

Light was watching TV with his sister. She had demanded to choose the channel although she was mentally retarded and could not process anything going on on the coloured screen in front of her. They ended up on the hentai channel but Sayu would not let Light change it. Light sighed. Their mother was just on the phone in the other room. "Uh! Uh! Uh! Ikuwayo!" The characters moaned. Light shuddered. "Sayu! Give me that remote!" He said. "Oay ubow!" Sayu mumbled, hiding the remote under her shirt between her boobs and giggled. Light facepalmed. He looked around to see if anyone was watching before reaching his hands underneath her bra and over her ginormous breasts, reaching for the remote. Light cringed, feeling disgusted, but it really was quite hard to search for the TV remote between those massive tit mountains. Sayu just looked down at her brother's hands with an expressionless expression. Just then, their mother, Sachiko Yagami walked into the living room. "Light, your father just called. He needs you to take these fresh clothes to- What the hell?" She exclaimed. "IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!" Light said quickly and removed his hands from Sayu's shirt, holding them up as if he was being held at gunpoint. "I… I was just trying to search for the remote!" He stuttered. Meanwhile, Sayu had removed the remote from her bra and placed it on the coffee table in front of the TV casually. When Sachiko turned her face away from Light, she found the remote sitting innocently on the table. Sachiko sighed. "Light, you cannot take advantage of your idiot for a sister just like that. If you're feeling horny you can just have me. Don't let me catch you doing it ever again. Now go take these clothes to your father." Light nodded, snatched the bag of clothes away and rushed out of the house.

It was quite a long walk to the police station but Light got there at last. When he entered, he saw a woman with long, jet-black hair talking to the man at the counter. Light was a bit shocked. It was rare to see Japanese with normal black hair in Japanese animes. "They're not at headquarters? But I have something very important concerning the Reipa Investigation," she was saying. Light, sensing danger, rushed to the counter and and threw the bag of clothes at the man working there. "Give this to my dad, Superintendent Soichiro Yagami! Ah, being the son of the man in charge of the Reipa case sure is cool! Well, looks like no one needs my help here? Well, I think I'll just take of my shirt and flex my abs," Light declared. He took off his winter coat and shirt and flexed his abs. The woman frowned. Light grinned. "Hey, what's your name? Why don't you go out on a walk with me? I'm totally innocent! Come on!" He grabbed her hand and walked out half naked into the freezing cold. "My name's Shoko Maki," the woman said, somewhat distraught. Light cheered. It was so easy. He took out a piece of paper from the Rape Note and scribbled "Shoko Maki" onto it, laughing maniacally. Then, he stuffed the piece of paper back into his pocket and checked his watch, grinning maliciously all the while. "Why do you keep checking your watch like that?" The woman asked. Light smiled harder. "Maybe it's because…" Light waited for the remaining seconds to tick down to zero. "I'm Reipa," he said confidently when it was time, even waving jazz hands for dramatic effect. The woman stiffened, but Ryuk made no movement to start the raping process. Instead, Ryuk was the one laughing maniacally now. This left Light feeling awfully confused. "Oh shit," he cried, as he finally considered the possibility that the woman had used an alias. The woman started to make a run for it. Light immediately gave chase. If he lost her, he was done for!


	7. Chapter 7

He chased her past a road full of street vendors. She overturned a cart of apples and the fruits rolled around Light's feet. She turned a corner and disappeared. Light frowned and cursed loudly, earning a few stares from the bystanders. He whisked around the corner, keeping his eyes peeled. He looked around the dark alley he found himself standing in to try and figure out where the hell she could be. There was only one door, so Light walked in. He found himself in a darkly lit room, with soft moans toying with his eardrums. It smelled of cheap perfume and… something else. There was a man sitting behind a counter at the other side of the little room. When the man noticed him, he raised his eyebrows. "Would you like to try this girl? She's new. In fact, the boys and I just captured this pussy because she ran in here a few seconds ago," He grabbed a woman under the table by her hair and raised her to her feet. She was gagged and bound, whimpering softly. Light did an internal leap of joy. It was "Shoko Maki"! "What's her name," Light said, his voice a little hoarse with excitement. The man frowned and asked, "what do you care about her name?" He reached into her handbag forcefully and pulled out her driver's license. At this point, the woman was sobbing in fear. "Naomi… MIsora," The man read out. "So, you want her? I think we can let you have her for a cheap price of… 99 cents." Light smiled evilly, reaching for his favourite stack of bound papers and a pen. "Oh yes, I'll have her alright," He whispered. Half a minute afterwards, Ryuk was having a blast of a time with the multiple holes of one Naomi Misora.

When he was done, Naomi lay exhausted on the floor, having all her holes split and bleeding. Amazingly, she survived the rape! The pimp of the brothel they were in stared in awe. There was an awkward silence for a few moments. "Hey, pay up," the pimp said. Light tossed a dollar coin over to the man and traipsed out of the alley


	8. Chapter 8

Light walked back to his house. It had been a fruitful day. However, as he stepped into his room, he did his routine check on the measures he took to make sure no one had entered. After inspecting the molecules of the lock with his trusty electron microscope he carried everywhere ("A genius must always have his electron microscope handy." Page 12, line 4 of the Incredibly Handsome Mastermind Rule Book) and testing for forty-two presences of chemicals present on the doorknob, he finally came to the conclusion that, "someone has entered my room while I was gone. We must be prepared for whatever has happened, Ryuk." Ryuk frowned and said, "I already know." Light gaped. "But how? Surely you're not a bigger genius than me?" Ryuk pushed open the door to reveal a multitude of muddy footprints all over Light's carpeted floor. "Oh," Light murmured. And if that was insufficient proof, a red light on the ceiling was flashing, with a robotic voice repeating, "intruder alert. Intruder alert." Light nodded, his colossal ego hurt. Desperate to change the atmosphere, he shouted, "Fuck! They stole a porn mag of mine!" And gestured at his shelf. "Oh well." He sighed and was just about to take out his rape note when Ryuk gestured wildly for his attention. "Don't speak anymore, Light, because the police has put about 482 bugs in this room." Light blanched. He had to act like a normal boy today! Shaking, he walked over to his shelf and pulled a porn magazine out of the huge collection, sat on the bed and whipped his cock out. Ryuk started laughing insanely. "That all you got, Captain Justice? Then tiny little needle?" Light's face went red for a second before he took deep breaths and tried to ignore the rude god. Time to get to work. Light activated his electron microscope and started searching for his tiny stiffie. He flipped his magazine to a random page before concentrating on rubbing his minute shaft with a pair of tweezers.

Back at the police station, the task force were scouring Light's every move, from the unzipping of his pants to the biting of his lip. Soichiro Yagami stared wide-eyed at his son's manhood. "That is not what I expected of a Yagami!" He roared. "Why are you guys staring at him during his private time? Stop watching and humiliating the Yagami name at once!" The other policemen doubled over in laughter. "And you have what it takes to make the Yagami name proud?" L challenged. A vein in Soichiro's head looked like it was about to discover the joys of bursting. He ripped open his shorty shorts with his bare hands, flexing the manly muscles in his arms and thighs to reveal a penis as thick as and as long as a… pinky! The men dedicated to the safety of Japan in the room almost burst a vessel as well. Especially Ukita. He went extraordinarily close.

Back in Light's room, he put his electron microscope aside and zipped his pants. "They should have had the courtesy to stop watching by now," he thought, and took out his rape note to persecute rapists and criminals. He through his head back and laughed sadistically as his eyes turned red.


	9. Chapter 9

Light woke up and smiled. It was the day where he would get his exam marks back. "I'll definitely top the nation again," he thought to himself.

"And the person who topped the nation is…" The announcer said. Light stood up and began walking up the stage. He was already smiling behind the microphone, pulling at his pocket for his thank you speech when the announcer announced, "Hideki Ryuga!" Light's eyes widened to the point that his eyeballs felt lose, and his jaw dropped so violently, his jawbone dislocated. "How can that be?" He shouted, pulling on the announcer's pants. "It can be, and it is. In fact, famous Light Yagami, you failed." The world swam around him. His parents were going to kill him. So disappointed was he, Light did not even feel embarrassed while wandering back to his seat, dazed. His condition continued until Hideki Ryuga returned to his seat next to Light. He turned to the brown-haired boy next to him and whispered, "You know, I am L." Many tangled thoughts and elaborate emotions raced through the labyrinthine passages of Light's mind. So complex and intricate were his internal conflicts that I could simply describe them in three words. "Fucking kill him." Light found his fist making contact with Hideki's cheekbone and soon enough, they were roughhousing each other in the middle of the formal event. The students, being fresh out of high school, pumped their fists into the air and stereotypically shouted, "fight! Fight! Fight!" The announcer grabbed his mike and yelled, "ENOUGH!" His voice boomed throughout the hall and normality was restored, but not without many cuts and bruises on the two boys' faces and a punctured lung on Hideki's part. "H… help," L wheezed. Light just smirked at him. L clapped his hands twice. An old man appeared in a an enigmatic puff of white smoke. He was dressed as a butler and was holding a metal platter of sugar dipped in sugar, with a topping of sugared sugar, complete with a sprinkling of sugar on top. He emptied its contents into L's mouth. All his bruises faded away. L wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, but it did nothing to help clean the sugar all over his body. He looked like he was just frolicking in very fine snow. The rest of the event went uneventful.


	10. Chapter 10

**AN: I'm not sure about about the rules of tennis.**

"Light! I challenge you to a tennis match!" L screamed suddenly at school one day. Light thought about this declaration carefully. "This must be a big hint. This may lead me to finding out his real name." Light thought silently. He squinted his eyes at L and looked at him suspiciously, much like how Joseph looked at the Virgin Mary. A multitude of thoughts rushed through Light's mind. This could be it! The only adversary who stood in the way of Light's journey to godhood would be vanquished if only he could decipher this obvious clue. In the end, Light settled with saying, "okay. But beware - I'm very good."

The next day, they got their rackets and balls and waltzed into the tennis court at school like pros. They had hired an umpire to judge their match, and he took his seat at the edge of the court. It was L's turn to serve. He threw the ball high into the air and smashed it with his racket. Unfortunately, Light was busy trying to balance his racket on the tip of his finger. There were girls laughing at him outside the court, who he was flirting with. "30-Love!" The umpire declared. Light's mouth dropped in shock. He swore at the top of his voice, held his racket properly and got into position this time. It was L's turn to serve again. This time, Light tried to swing his racket to hit the powerful serve back with all his strength but the racket flew right out of his hand and over the net. L laughed and simply hit Light's racket with his own, causing the tool to fly over the court and into Light's face. It left him with a checkered, red mark on his left cheek. "15-Love!" The truth is, Light had never played tennis before. In fact, he just bought the racket right after L declared his challenge the day before. By that time, a crowd had began to gather. The men were discussing how amazing they were at tennis, while the girls were taking off their shirts, screaming "Light! LIGHT!" and masturbating. However, Light and L took no notice. L served once more, but Light was not paying attention again. He had discovered 1 Yen on the floor behind him, so he bent down to pick it up greedily. (Light was very poor, you see.) The ball slammed right into Light's asshole. Light screamed like a little girl, and his fangirls' hearts fluttered. L continued to thrash Light until the last point. Then, Light was panting and sweating and trying his very best, but he could do nothing to gain a point. He whispered to Ryuk, "DO SOMETHING!" For he greatly did not wish to lose. Ryuk did something, alright. When L was going to serve again, for the 11the time, Ryuk made his horrible, colossal, black dick appear in front of L's eyes right as he tossed the furry ball above his head. L started screaming crazily and fell to the floor. Light's fangirls jumped up and down to cheer. The men appreciated their naked bouncing boobs. Light joined them in celebration. He was ecstatic to earn his first point, but his smile died instantly from his lips when L scored the next point, and won the competition. "Hideki wins!" It was very pitiful, really. Like Light 1, L 24. Light was furious. He hid his head and arms in his shirt and wrote the umpire's name on the Rape Note.

After Ryuk was done having 'fun' with the umpire, including inserting of balls and rackets into very tight spaces, L eyed Light suspiciously. "Hm… I have a very slight suspicion that you could be…" He started, but stopped mid-sentence. "Nah. No way." L finished. Light chuckled nervously.


	11. Chapter 11

"Hm. Yes. Naomi Misora could have been-"

"Cats," Matsuda declared. The whole police force erupted in a fit of cheers. L gave him a look. "As I was saying-"

"Sir! You have to take a look at this! Switch to the Sakura TV channel at once!" Watari screamed. The force flicked to the Sakura TV channel. It was broadcasting the words "REIPA" on its screen, accompanied by a garbled, high pitched voice. "Attention everyone! I am Reipa! Now flick to the Horse Lover Channel!" The men did. On it showed the mouth of the broadcaster having a giant horse penis fed in and out of it. "MMMPH! MMPH!" He screeched. The men all looked downwards in disgust. L, however, licked his lips. Aizawa flicked back to Sakura TV. "Aw man! Why do you always-" L got cut off again. "Shut up!" The rest of the force yelled. "Now, flick to MTV." L grabbed the remote to do so immediately. MTV was showing Jersey Shore. The men laughed and hi-fived each other. Snooki was standing in front of the screen. All of a sudden, an invisible force impaled her. She did not have any time to scream, for Ryuk's penis had pierced through the whole of her short body. "Oops," Ryuk chuckled. Meanwhile, Matsuda facepalmed. "We cannot let this broadcast carry on any further!" He shouted, thumping his fist on the table. "Ukita! Go to Sakura TV at once!"

Ukita approached the front doors of the building. He got raped instantaneously. The police force, watching the CCTV outside the building, gasped in unison. "But… but… Reipa can't kill without a name…" L stuttered. Just then, a jet, piloted by Soichiro Yagami crashed into the building. L sighed and facepalmed. "And that's another 3 hundred million yen…" He mumbled under his breath. But it had worked. The broadcast had ended.


	12. Chapter 12

"I want to join the force." Light said. L squinted his eyes at him. "I'll do anything it takes! I swear! I'll even suck your dick!" Light begged. L squinted even harder for a second, then relaxed. "Okay!"

An hour later, both Light and L walked out of the hotel bedroom holding hands and looking very sated and debauched. "He's on the team," L declared to the rest of the police force.

"So. Our plan is to contact the fake Reipa posing as the real Reipa." Light proposed. "I'll start now." Light pushed a button, cleared his throat, and started speaking into a microphone. "I'd like to reveal that I am the real Reipa," Light started. L jumped up and whooped. "I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT!" He screamed, pointing an accusative finger at Light. The rest of the team just stared at him expressionlessly. "I was pretending to be Reipa so we can find out more about the fake Reipa…" Light explained. "Oh," L said, disappointed.

A few days later, a response from the fake Reipa was broadcast on TV. When the task force was done watching the broadcast, they shut their agape jaws and looked worried together. "So, uh… I quit." Mogi confessed. "You stay right here, Mogi," L whispered. "I can't believe the fake Reipa just mentioned Reipugamis! Does he actually expect us to believe in Reipugamis? I know they were a myth parents would tell their little children to scare them to sleep but really?" Light shook his head. "I think its time we arrange for a meeting with this Reipa."

"Oh, that's good. Yes! Beautiful! Just like that! Perfect!" A female voice moaned. Misa writhed on top of the woman. "You make such a great lesbian porn star, Misa!" The director crooned. Misa giggled, her lips sending vibrations up the woman's clit. "Oh, yeah," she sighed. Misa curled her three fingers in the woman's pussy and she came. They then changed positions. The woman was handed a strap-on dildo which she promptly put on. It was a fist thick and as long as Ryuk's arm. Misa lay on the couch with her two legs wide open and her forearms by her nubile breasts, readying herself for the onslaught. The woman thrust forward, perforating Misa with the dildo. "Oh, sensei," She moaned, staying in character. She was dressed in a japanese schoolgirl uniform with her blouse half unbuttoned. The woman went on thrusting for about two more hours before they did a cumshot and Misa was free to go home.

Once she reached home, Misa immediately flopped onto their bed. "Being a porn star is such hard work," she complained to Rem. Rem nodded in disgust. "Fucking disgusting piece of slut flesh," she muttered under her breath. "Why Jealous ever sacrificed his life for her will always remain a mystery to me." Misa frowned. "What's that?" She asked but Rem ignored her. "Who's Jealous?"

Rem sighed. "Do you want to know how you got your Rape Note?" Misa nodded innocently. "Well, that's for the next chapter."


	13. Chapter 13

"It all started with Jealous, another Reipugami. He was watching a little girl walking all by herself down a dark alley. I asked him, 'It's her time, isn't it?' And he confirmed it. 'She's so full of life,' he said. 'She's only three years old!' Whereas I was wondering what she was doing all alone in a dark alley. Anyway, the rapist approached her. She was infatuated with her. 'I've watched all your pornos! If I can't have you, I'll rape you!' She screamed. She was also carrying a kitchen knife in her hand. Needless to say, we both guessed that that was going to be the makeshift dildo. Jealous noticed it and flipped open his Rape Note frantically. 'Jealous, no!' I cried. 'You've ran out of pages. Here; use this one.' Jealous thanked me and retrieved the new Rape Note from my hands. Or so he thought. I had handed him a fake one! Rape Notes never run out of pages! While he wrote the rapist's name into the fake notebook, I pushed him off the Earth viewing hole and he died." Rem took a moment to wipe a tear off her face. "So, I wrote the rapist's name in Jealous's Rape Note anyway to reverse the rape. Watching a three-year-old raping a woman? What fun!" Misa fantasized about this scenario for a moment before recalling that that little girl was her. "So, if it weren't for Jealous, I wouldn't have my Rape Note? Wow. And that's how you kill a Reipugami… And by the way, Rem, you're not in love with me, are you?" Misa drawled. Rem instantly dry retched. Since she didn't eat chocolates or apples, a little dust fell out of her mouth but that was it. She then had a seizure, in which she fell out of the building's window, her muscles twitching violently. She fell into a huge truck of rubbish. "Dirty shit bag of tit milk cum," She swore inaudibly.

"Hi! Does Rei- I mean, Light Yagami live here? I'm the future mother of his abundance of children. I'm here to start their production," Misa pronounced proudly to Sayu. "Tentacles… I… Boobies…" Sayu responded. Light hurried downstairs as he had heard the doorbell ring and did not want her making a fool of herself in front of any visitors. Apparently, he was too late. Sayu had noticed Misa's exposed cleavage (meant to seduce Light) and grabbed hold of one of her boobs. "Er…" Misa stuttered. Light felt that he should intervene, but his cock thought differently. "Why don't you two come in and continue?" He panted. He pushed the two girls into his house and locked the door. Misa just struggled out of Sayu's grasp. "Are you Light Yagami?" She questioned Light. "Why, the very one and the same," Light smiled. She pulled the Rape Note out of her bra and presented it to Light with pride. "I'm the other Reipa," She spazzed. "Let's have sex now!" She hopped onto Light, undressed him appropriately with experienced grace, and raped him. "What the fuck? Get off me!" Light yelled. His parents had approached to see what all the commotion was about and was staring at him with their jaws wide open and a hand over their mouth. "I'm sorry, parents. I have dishonored you," Light apologized as a tear slid down his cheek. Misa patted his face lightly. "Expect your children in nine months."


	14. Chapter 14

"She… She just raped me," Light stuttererd. "Doesn't that mean you have to leave me now?" Ryuk shook his head. "Aw, Light, I didn't know you wanted to get rid of me that badly! The truth is, females can't rape males," Ryuk explained simply. Light's jaw dropped, then retorted, "B… But… she just… She _did_ unlawfully compel me through physical force and duress to have sexual intercourse!" Ryuk shook his head, then said, "Whoever's heard of a more absurd thing than a woman raping a man? Rape is defined as 'carnal knowledge of a female by force and without consent'. Pfft, Light, don't be stupid." Light's eyes clouded with tears. "But… that's so unfair…" He mumbled.

"Hah! Hey Light! How's it going?" L shouted. Light was walking in the school compounds, accompanied by Misa. _YES! I've won! I've won! Now, all I have to do is ask Misa for L's real name!_ Light thought, squealing softly. He jumped up and down, punching his fists wildly, then dropped onto his stomach to roll around on the ground, laughing hysterically. Tears squeezed out of the corners of his eyes. He even got a hard on from all the excitement. L looked on impassively. "Just so you know, if Reipa rapes me today, I've told the rest of the force that you're definitely Reipa." Light paused. "Shit," he cursed under his breath. Light got up and dusted the leaves off of his body. "Is there a problem?" Misa questioned softly. Light sighed and shook his head. _I could kill him tomorrow, I guess._ Light decided. _Nevertheless, I still have his name now! _All of a sudden, L blanched. "Holy shit. Is that… Misa-misa?" L shouted. "I'm such a big fan!" The surrounding students turned to face Misa, with shocked looks etched on their faces. Screaming, they flocked in droves around Misa, who giggled demurely. "Misa-misa! Do you really have DD boobs?"

"Misa! Did you really take Cox Cumming's 13-inch dick up yours?"

"AHHHH! Someone entered my vagina!" She shrieked. "This is an outrage! Uh, taking advantage of this situation is unforgivable! I will find whoever is responsible for this," L stuttered inconspicuously. He quickly hid a silver dildo in his pocket. Nope, not suspicious at all. "Misa, it's time! Come with me now!" Her teleporting producer shouted, dragging her along by her right nipple. "Well, bye, guys! See ya' later, Light!" Misa smiled. Light scratched his crotch nonchalantly in response. _Perhaps she's given me a disease, _Light wondered. _Anyway, I've got L's name now! I win! _He flipped out his phone to call Misa. Right away, he heard another phone ringing. A few strides in front of him, L picked up a phone. "Hello? Who is this?" L asked. Light's heart seemed to sink to his intestines, which then turned into snakes and strangled the important muscle. _He must have stolen the device from her vagina just now! The bastard! _"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN, 'HELLO?'?!" Light could not help but scream in pure frustration. L turned around. "Oh, it's you," L stated, emotionless. Light rolled his eyes and stalked off.


	15. Chapter 15

"Watari! Make sure you torture her until you obtain information, or I'll murder your children," L commanded. Watari nodded proficiently. He entered a white room with nothing in it except for Misa in a straightjacket, in a prostrate manner on an operating table. Watari put the Bag of Magic on the table. "Prepare yourself for the ride of your lifetime," Watari warned. Misa turned her head in curiosity and rolled her eyes. Watari finally unzipped the bag. It revealed a multitude of different sex toys of every imaginable colour and material, ranging from electric purple nipple clamps to wooden double-ended 15-inch dildos to metal vibrating anal speculums and a real live pony. "Neighhhh," it… neighed. Misa was speechless. Never in her entire, long life as a porn star did she ever encounter such a glorious plethora of sex toys. She managed a scared mewl in anticipation of what was to come. Rem was rolling on in the air in laughter. "Finally met your match now, have you? Scared now? You dirty piece of loose pussy?" She cried, wiping tears of mirth with the back of her spindly hand. Rem then put her hands behind her head, crossed a leg over her other knee and lounged comfortably in the air. Misa simply groaned. Watari laced his fingers together and stretched them until each knuckle gave a soft pop, readying himself for the onslaught. Misa was literally trembling in fear. "BOO!" Rem shouted and Misa screeched in terror. Rem laughed until she could not help but punch the floor repeatedly in absolute, unadulterated exuberance. "Are you going to tell us anything?" The old man questioned politely, unexpectedly friendlier than Misa expected. Misa clamped her lips shut and shook her head violently. Watari calmly spun a large dice with as many sides as the number of sex toys there were. "Congratulations, Misa. We shall start with the conical dildo."

Nine hours later, Watari rushed towards L. He was covered in sweat from his exertions. "She's talking! Misa is talking!" He cried. L rushed to the sofa and turned on the TV. Misa was a gruesome sight to behold. The camera was located directly between her legs, which were separated with a long rod cuffed to each foot.. A pool of blood and other unidentifiable fluids of white and transparent puddled beneath her ass. Above it, though, a beautiful white stallion with a dildo strapped on to where a unicorn's horn would be was entering her. In other news, true enough, the girl was saying something. "I can't take it anymore! Just… do it," Rem finally stopped laughing after nine hours. For a while, Misa could only hear the cacophony of enthusiastic neighs reverberating around the enclosed room. "LOL!" Rem concluded and relinquished Misa's Rape Note just like that.


End file.
